Wrestling with Survivor’s Guilt

Soon after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, some friends threw me a scarf and hat party.  It was something that my husband suggested to them as a way they could help us.  I’m grateful that they did this for me – after all I needed those hats and scarves and used them a ton (and I use some of them to this day).  Unfortunately, I hated every moment of it.  The party felt weird – that’s the only way to put it.  It felt forced, like we were all walking on eggshells trying to act as though nothing was […]

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It’s Not About You

One of the things that you learn when you have cancer is who your true friends are – and aren’t.  You find out who will do anything for you when you most need them.  Unfortunately, some people don’t quite measure up.  Even people who you would have sworn would be there for you through absolutely anything – no matter what.  But they aren’t.  At all. I found out the hard way that some people just can’t handle it.  They cannot deal with the ickiness of illness – that someone might die.  They are too afraid of what to say and […]

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Why I’m Not a Big Fan of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This may come as a complete shock to you, but I am not a big fan of Breast Cancer Awareness Month (also known as BCAM).  Why?  Have a seat and I will lay it out for you (assuming you aren’t already sitting, that is). For starters, I’m pretty sure that most people are aware that breast cancer exists.  I don’t see a need for more “awareness”.  What I do see is a need for money to go to research – both for treatment and for prevention.  Especially prevention.  Don’t even get me started about how much money is “raised” versus […]

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Dealing with Uncertainty

  I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. — Gilda Radner       Uncertainty.  It is one of the most difficult things about living.  We like to plan everything out and live according to our plans.  However, life has a tendency to get in the way of our plans.  A lot.  And with […]

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The Beginning…

Heather, you know that the news isn’t good if I am the one calling you.  Those are the words that I heard when my doctor called to tell me that I had breast cancer.  That moment was like an out-of-body experience.  So many things went through my mind immediately.  What if I die?  What happens to my kids?  My thoughts kept going to my boys – who were 2 and 6 at the time. The diagnosis itself was terrifying – it isn’t exactly something you expect when you are 38 years old.  To make things worse, my doctor was shocked […]

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